


grieve, so you can be free to feel something else

by cloudysunglasses



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Asriel POV, Blind Character, Gen, Not Beta Read, Not Charasriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9774242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudysunglasses/pseuds/cloudysunglasses
Summary: It's hard, getting used to having a soul and not having the ability to redo any social situation you fuck up.Asriel is trying, but that doesn't make it any easier.





	

The air was so crisp and fresh here.

That had been the most surprising thing about the surface, to you. Everyone spoke about the sun and the sky and the stars, but no one ever said anything about the air itself.

You take a deep breath.

Back when you lived underground, when the closest you've ever been to the surface was sitting in the garden to soak up what little sunlight shone through the barrier and bathed New Home in its glow, you used to try to dig up whatever facts about the surface you could possibly find. When you were much younger, this involved begging your parents for any faint stories they had, of which there were very few; apparently most of them were war memories, something they didn’t want to relive and didn’t want to tell you, which was unfair, because you wanted to know! 

But after Chara fell, after you befriended someone who knew how wonderful the surface was in the modern day, you suddenly had a new wealth of information. A human! A human who grew up on the surface! They told you about mountains, and stars, and a “moon”, and space, about the sea (which they had never visited, but they knew was vast and beautiful), about sunsets, and dawn, clear blue skies and green-gray stormy ones, and about so, so many things. It all sounded absolutely wonderful, and now you got to experience it for yourself.

You don’t deserve any of it.

\- You're broken out of your thoughts by the sound of something scraping across the pavement. There weren't a lot of people that made that particular sound when they walked, so you take a peek out of the corner of your eye and -

You freeze up and do your best to quiet down, to stop sniffling, to not even breathe. Yeah. You suppose you should've expected them to show up at some point.

There's a faint hope in your heart that Chara doesn't notice you, that they pass by entirely; their vision had been getting worse and worse, and even though it wasn't fully gone yet, it was still a severe enough disability that they had significant trouble doing simple things. Maybe they wouldn't recognize you if you stayed quiet, maybe your white fur could somehow blend in with the grayish brown of the bench, maybe, maybe, maybe -

They approach the bench and take a seat next to you. Maybe they had been looking for a while, maybe they were just taking a break, maybe they -

You peek at them again; they're folding up their cane and calmly setting in their lap. Yeah, they know it's you; if they had just been taking a rest, they would've kept it unfolded so they could easily get up again. That had been far too much to hope for.

It's a lost cause, so you go back to sniffling. There are tears and snot caught in your fur, because you're not _just_ a pathetic crybaby, you're an ugly pathetic crybaby, and no amount of wiping your cheeks with the back of your hand will fix that.

Chara doesn't say anything, so you sneak another glance at them; they're just sitting there, ankles crossed, hands in their lap resting over their folded cane. They aren't even looking at you, just staring straight ahead.

You're glad. If they aren't looking at you, then you won't have to look at them, either.

They're still not saying anything. Eventually enough time passes that you start to wonder if maybe they really didn't know it was you, maybe they just wanted to rest their feet for a longer time and that's why they folded up their cane, but just as you conclude that that must have been what happened, they finally speak up.

"It's getting late." Their voice is mild, their voice is non-threatening. You can't decide if that makes it worse or not.

You don't answer, and they don't say anything else. Time passes, and the sun is setting, but you still don't say anything, and they still don't push you. Maybe it'd be easier to just focus on the sky and try to breathe; it's been a few months, and you still aren't used to looking up and seeing such a vast emptiness.

It was disappointing to learn stars don't show up here - too much electricity, Frisk said - but it's still way more than you ever thought you'd get to see. The colors mix together, yellow, orange, pink, purple, blue, black, and if you focus on that and nothing else, maybe the knot in your chest will start to ease.

Chara probably will never be able to see something like this ever again. You'd feel sorry for them, if you weren't so busy feeling sorry for yourself.

They finally speak again.

"Do you want to head home now.” A pause. “People are getting worried about you.”

You let out a little hiccupy sob at that, tears welling up in your eyes again. You don’t deserve it at all; everyone should hate you, everyone should be happy you’re gone, everyone should hope you’ll disappear forever.

It was so hard, adjusting to having a body and soul again, without any reset powers to cover up your mistakes. All Papyrus had done was offer you a plate of spaghetti, and you just _sneered_ and knocked it out of his hands. It hadn’t registered just how horrible of a thing that was to do until you saw the look on his face, and the compassion you had been lacking for what felt like years and years and years came flooding back.

Guilt. It had been a while since you had genuinely felt guilt.

It had been overwhelming, and you couldn’t stand seeing that sad face any longer, so you picked a direction, ran off, and ended up here.

You don’t know how Chara found you, but they did, and here they were.

“...He isn’t mad at you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“He’s never mad at anyone,” you grumble back. “No matter how awful I was, he _never_ hated me.”

“Papyrus is special,” is all they say.

It’s silent again. It’s even darker now, the sun almost completely set, but neither of you make a move to get up yet.

Chara’s really bad at this, aren’t they. It’s still a revelation to you, that Chara isn’t perfect and Chara can’t do everything on their own.

They speak again.

“You know…” Their voice is mild again, and they’re clearly trying not to show any emotion through it, “...It’s not easy to deal with this kind of thing.”

“You _think?”_ That comes out more harshly than you intended, because you’re a terrible horrible person, and even a soul couldn’t fix that. Maybe it was your personality. Maybe it was embedded so deeply within you that there was no way you’d ever be able to change, because you were rotten to your core, and -

“Asriel.” That manages to snap you out of your thoughts. “They love you.” Chara turns around to face you now, pulling a packet of tissues out of their pocket and scooting closer to wipe your face.

You let them. God, you feel so gross right now.

“...The fact that you feel guilty at all means you’re trying, you know.” They take a deep breath. “You’re trying. You don’t have everything figured out yet, and you make mistakes, but you’re trying. Everyone knows that.”

You look at them, eyes wide.

“What - ?”

“They forgive you. He forgives you.”

“He _shouldn’t!_ ”

“But he does. You can’t tell him how to feel, because he does.”

You don’t know what to say to that, so you just look down at your hands. You hate this, you hate this, you hate this.

...but maybe they’re right.

They’re playing with their cane; you can tell because the clacking of metal isn’t exactly subtle. You don’t blame them; if you had a cane you’d rather play with it too, just something to keep your mind occupied.

"...You can't tell people whether or not they're supposed to love you. They just do."

It’s so dark.

“...Chara?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a quote from nayyirah waheed. i strongly encourage you to check her poetry out and support her by buying her books!
> 
> i headcanon that chara has a genetic condition that causes them to lose more and more sight the more time passes, which is why they have a white cane and are legally blind here.
> 
> this is a very old and very short fic that has been sitting around in my notes, so i thought i might finish it, polish it a little, and post. it's not very good as a result, but oh well.


End file.
